November is the month of gratitude

November is the month of gratitude. I have to say, I picked a shitty month for that. This month has not been kind to me and trying to find the good in the bad has not been my strong suit. Still, the point of having a theme month is to try to focus on something you need to develop...

I am thankful for close friends and close family. I have to say that at a time when I was falling apart, some people came out to keep me company... people I hadn't expected... people who didn't really know what I was going through. At times, I feel like these people have moved on in their lives without me, but maybe it was just me trying to move on without them.

I had a very hard... change in my life recently. Someone who was a pretty consistent and close part of my life for over a year now no longer is. There is still a lot of pain and anger there (which I won't really go into). It will never be the same, but I should be grateful for what it was no matter how it turned out.

It's a bit dumb... but I am grateful for quality entertainment. Friends aren't always there for you when you need them, and even when they are there, they can't always make you feel better. At times when I couldn't find people to make me happy, I was at least able to stay entertained and engaged with something. As a writer myself, I shouldn't underestimate the value of good escapism.

I'm also grateful that I managed to get my car repaired right before we were hit by a snowstorm, so good job, me!

On the more general side of things, I'm grateful for my iPod and the radio adapter my roommate lent me so I can listen to it during my commute. I'm grateful for the WTF podcast that I listen to twice a week. Its one of the few things in this world that I feel speaks directly to me.

I'm grateful for quality superhero and fantasy films finally being produced. Hollywood is finally starting to catch up to the imagination of those books I digested when I was younger. I'm grateful for Rock Band 3 for helping me to focus my mind and develop my sense of rhythm (if not any genuine musical talent).

... Well, its a start anyway...

Oh, and I'm also grateful for the pic in this blog. Is that fucking great or what?

Dealing with Depression

"Sacha Goldberger found his 91-year-old Hungarian grandmother Frederika, a WWII survivor, feeling lonely and depressed. To cheer her up, he photographed her dressed up as a fictional superhero. To his surprise, she loved it. The photos are a bit comical, but there's an underlying sense of hope, strength and courage in them."

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I'm going to make some changes to this blog. I'm not sure how yet, but less diary and more specific interests. I want to try to use it as a place to publicize my work, not bitch, cry, and moan. We'll see how that goes.

In the meantime, enjoy this clip from my favorite standup comic.

RIP Matt

So I wasn't feeling much better Saturday morning... maybe even a little worse. I seem to be developing little panic attacks. I'll notice myself breathing heavier and my heart beating rapidly when I think about the future and what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I was giving some serious thought to the idea that I have no future in my life...

Then I got home and found out my cousin was killed... murdered, actually...

He was stabbed six times in the chest outside of his work... puncturing his lungs and heart. He was 25.

I don't know how to feel about this. We weren't particularly close. There was even a period when I didn't like him at all, but that had long since passed. I actually just... well, I thought of him as someone normal enough or outgoing enough to really be happy. He seemed to know what he wanted out of life and was going for it.

Now he can't.

And here I was spending the morning thinking my life wasn't worth living. I'd like to say it gave me a new found respect for life... but really... I don't know.

You kind of mentally prepare yourself for accidents or disease... but not murder. Random chance feels more like an act of god. This was an act of man.

It just... He had a lot to live for... I think.

Why am I here wasting my life... while his life was wasted? Why am I alive for no reason and he is dead for no reason?

Should I even be thinking of myself at all when... My problems just seem so stupid when compared to this... I was just thinking about what it would be like to die and what my family would think. And then someone in my family actually dies... someone younger than me...

I'm having trouble believing in any sense of order and sanity in the universe right now. Score one for nihilism.

Rest in peace, buddy.

Poem

A cool, dull roar echoes in my head
Drowning out any other thoughts and feelings.
When I dare to feel
My heart doesn’t let me.

My heart doesn’t have an outlet
Or an inlet.
When it beats, when it pulses
It echoes in my head
But in life
That resonance has nowhere to go.

So when I feel, it is all I feel
But it doesn’t change anything.
When I feel
It overwhelms me.
And I have to learn to bundle it back up
Lock it away.

So I have learned to instinctively shut off every feeling at the source.
Tightening the valve

And when I want to play
When I want to capture a feeling
When I want to remember what it felt like
To love
To lust
To desire
My heart clamps down on it and warns me.

It knows better.

Love: Need or Want - A chat with my sister

9:37 AM me: You there?

13 minutes

9:51 AM Rose: yes

me: Just rolling a big question through my head and I wanted to get your opinion.

Rose: sure

9:53 AM me: Is love a "need" or a "want?" In the sense of, do you think "needing" someone in your life suggests dependency (and perhaps a fear of loneliness) or does wanting suggest that the feelings are somewhat shallow?

9:54 AM Rose: i think that's a really good question, and one that people just assume they know the answer to

me: Mom once said you should want someone, not need them and I've never really settled my thoughts on it...

9:55 AM Rose: in my experience, its ideal if you know you can be happy alone before you commit to a relationship.

mom is not the most complex theologist

me: No, but she doesn't overthink things either.

Rose: people are not designed to be alone

we are designed to live in communities

small social groups

me: I agree with that.

Rose: its normal to want to share with a group.

in my case, i've always wanted a family

9:56 AM i'm happier now that i live in one

9:57 AM fear of loneliness isn't a bad thing

loneliness is a major cause of depression and despondency

it leads to all kinds of dimunations of quality of life

me: I feel like there is a modern expectation that people develop some sort of self-actualization before they are compatible for commitment.

So they need to strip themselves of "need" until they only want.

9:58 AM Rose: that is an impractical idea and a very modern notion, imo

i got a lot of weird looks from people when i lived in sf and told them i was engaged at 24

there is this sense that you can't commit to someone until you've gone through X amount of alone time

i think its bullshit

9:59 AM it isn't right for everyone and holding out and being on your own does not mean that, when you finally get married at 36, you've done the right thing

10:00 AM in my case, i don't think anyone is a perfect match for anyone else. i spent time away from Rob and decided I liked my life better with him in it.

there were things i liked better about being alone.

my house was much neater

for instance

me: nods

I think I'm very similar.

10:01 AM I like and value my privacy and independence, but as an exception rather than as a rule.

Rose: and those things don't need to be mutually exclusive!

10:02 AM we have a very reactionary attitude about relationships nowadays

its seems to be a reaction to 1950

there are lots of examples of great couples throughout history who keep their own rooms, have their own independent activities, etc.

10:03 AM me: The way I see it... our grandparents (speaking in the general sense) were stuck in a commitment without divorce, our parents had divorce and exercised it, so our generation is trying to find a way to avoid either of those options.

10:04 AM Rose: yes, everyone wants to be happy.

but the thing about successful relationships is that they're going to give and take, have highs and lows

10:05 AM but the people in them need to accept that, but be committed to the relationship beyond all that

i think when you get in trouble is when you start looking at your spouse/partner as the person depriving you of something

10:06 AM or, god forbid, if you have the idiocy of looking at them as someone who "should" be different

me: Indeed.

Rose: are we talking about what you wanted to talk about?

10:07 AM me: Pretty much.

Rose: its hard to talk about relationships theoretically

because you only have your own experience to go on

me: I guess its not exactly a "one or the other" scenario.

Rose: i think that is a healthier way of looking at partnership and independence.

they're a spectrum

10:08 AM not a choice

me: Want-Need spectrum?

Rose: that is also a spectrum

10:09 AM sometimes we need others and its ok

sometimes we need them because we're avoiding something

i think a key may be to look at the relationship from NOT your own standpoint

think about the other person. are you giving them the best parts of yourself in the relationship

10:10 AM me: Hm...

Rose: meaning fidelity to their growth and happiness, willingness to compromise, willingness to communicate even when its really hard to do so

10:11 AM me: nods

Rose: if you aren't giving them those things, then its not really a relationship, right?

then its wanting someone to make you happy

me: True.

10:12 AM Do you mind if I repost this on my blog? I find it interesting.

Rose: not at all

i like my soapbox

x)

A thought

It is far easier to sense that something is wrong than to tell someone why it is wrong, and easier still to tell why something is wrong than to make it right.

Easier than both of these is to deny that anything is wrong at all. This only becomes difficult when faced with overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Then you can only deny harder or accept the burden that you have avoided.

Meditation

I'm looking into meditation as a solution to some of my problems... or at least a relief... I hope.

I used to meditate in my teenage years... when I could find no other way to deal with my feelings. This was before I had done any drugs. When life and my thoughts became too much to handle, I would just concentrate on returning my mind to a blank slate. I was pretty good at it too.

One thing about meditation is that it lets your subconscious loose and before long, you don't know if you are talking to yourself or receiving information from... elsewhere. Call them the voice of God, spirits, or the left hemisphere of the brain... It can get a little weird and intense.

It's funny how such a simple thing as clearing your mind has so many techniques and philosophies attached to it, but I like Swami Vivekananda said:

"Meditation has been laid stress upon by all religions. The meditative state of mind is declared by the Yogis to be the highest state in which the mind exists. When the mind is studying the external object, it gets identified with it, loses itself. To use the simile of the old Indian philosopher: the soul of man is like a piece of crystal, but it takes the colour of whatever is near it. Whatever the soul touches ... it has to take its colour. That is the difficulty. That constitutes the bondage."

Small aggrevations

I wake up every morning in a cold sweat with my pillow soaked. What's with that? Do I have some bad dreams that I can't remember? Is my comforter too warm? Is my pillow drooling?

Also, I have a stress pain in my neck that would have impressed the Spanish inquisition... and they are probably the only ones who could work it out.

Influences

I've been thinking about my influences lately. Not just "writing" influences (although most definitely that) but people or even characters who influence our behavior?

Who are YOUR influences? That's not a rhetorical question. Please, comment your influences at the bottom of this post.

My influences are pretty broad. I cast a wide net. My writing influences include (in no particular order) Rod Serling, David E. Kelly, Chris Claremont, Gene Roddenberry, Joss Whedon, Sam Keith, Grant Morrison, Peter David, Alan Moore, and Adam Warren. There are many other whose works I love, but these are the ones I want to be like. That's a big difference.

My comedic influences (still in no order) include Steve Martin, Charlie Chaplin, the Marx Brothers, the Smothers Brothers, Marc Maron, Joe Rogan, Mel Brooks, Animaniacs, Bugs Bunny, Eddie Izzard, Monty Python, Peter Sellers, The Tick, Scud, and my dad.

My fictional personality (I'm not doing an order, dammit) influences include Cyclops, Beast, Indiana Jones, Superman, Peter Pan, Sherlock Holmes, Jean-Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko, Jadzia Dax, Longshot, the Tramp, Spider-Man, Storm, Alan Shore, Dr. Strange, and Sam Beckett.

Hmmm... philosophic influences? Aristotle, Lao Tzu, Descartes... I would have thought there would be more. I guess most of them were pretty full of themselves... or insane... or incredibly uptight. There's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and Promethea; spiritual influences like Buddhism or shamanism. Socio-political influences like Douglas Rushkoff, Jon Stewart, and Michael Moore. I guess I find philosophy through other things than philosophers. I'll need to give that more thought.

I was thinking about my moral influences and while there were certainly people like my mom and dad, I think my that all of these people, stories, or characters influenced my morality considerably.

Who are your influences? Give it some thought.

In Praise of Mild-Manneredness

I have recently come to accept that I am a mild-mannered individual. I was struggling with it for a long time because I am generally very quiet. I feel like I gravitate between talking about big concepts as though I'm trying to impress someone and trivial bullshit that is so boring, sometimes I refuse to finish my sentences because there is--

Anyway, I was watching Smallville and finding it strange that I was identifying with Clark Kent... because I didn't think you were supposed to identify with Clark. I'm certainly not the boy scout that he is. I like to experiment with sex and drugs and live amongst all the misfits of the world.

But on the other hand, I'm a lot like Clark. I am incredibly honest, fairly responsible (more so for others than myself), and I always try to treat people with respect. I'm also pretty boring in some ways.

It occurs to me that interesting people are frequently assholes. To be interesting, there has to be a certain amount of not caring about others. Just the "fuck it" mentality. It helps to be loud and overbearing. It helps to be irresponsible and wake up to new messes every day.

Granted, I could probably use a bit of that, but it isn't really me. There is a reason that I identified with Cyclops for so long when others just hated him. I can see why people would think he is boring. He isn't sarcastic or angry or goofy or any of those things people love, but that's because he is trying to be the best person he can be.

I think we could use more mild-mannered people in this world... particularly in this country. It isn't a value that we teach in our MTV culture. It is the rowdy people who have big parties they expect others to clean up after. Mild-mannered people are the bedrock of society.

There is a line in DS9 where someone compares Miles O'Brien to Atlas. He is the every man that keeps things running. I think we need more of that... though I still intend to be a writer, not a construction worker or farmer. But I'd like to approach my trade with that same sort of quiet dignity. I've always felt writing should be approached with an earnest heart.

Anyway, offer a toast with me to those mild-mannered men and women who never receive the praise they so richly deserve.

Day dream 2

I give a great deal of thought to destroying my computer. It's not that it is a bad computer, it's just that I hate my job.

I imagine it in detail, fantasizing almost sexually of the great pleasure I would derive from destroying it.

It begins with a punch straight to the center of the monitor.

Direct and to the point.

The loud crack of the screen drowns out the sound of the base scraping across the desk.

Cracks erupt across the screen fracturing the smooth display and draining the crystal pixels of their strange fluid creating a rainbow pattern.

Blood drips from my knuckles, but I hold it against the screen with its sharp angles and electrical currency.

I savor the moment... holding on to it for as long as possible...

... knowing that it won't change a damn thing.

Day dream

I've been having a reoccurring day dream where I'm a caveman at the dawn of man with pretty much nothing to separate me from any other animal. Not a single square inch of the Earth has been colonized, built upon, or even irrigated... not that I would know it. It is a time before words, much less laws, where all is feeling and emotion. There is no marriage or dating. We lie with whoever we want with no preconceived expectations. We hunt, fight, and live... but do not think. Not in the traditional sense. We feel and live by our emotions unrestricted by logic and reason.

Then I give that caveman a shave, separate him from his tribe, place him in an office and set him in front of a computer to answer tech support calls all day.

I have another reoccurring day dream. I'm a caveman raging and smashing everything around me because I don't know how to get home. I punch the computer screens. I overturn the desk. I stand on the rubble and scream furiously.

And everyone looks at me like I'm wrong.