Sea of Love

Feeling sad... but that's okay. Just wish I had someone to share it with.

Press play.

I heard a "sex worker" on my daily podcast this morning and I developed a little crush on her. Her name is Antonia Crane and she has an MA in creative writing. She pushed a couple buttons with me. It's not hard to do nowadays. I feel like Daredevil at the beginning of that crappy movie... like I have to get into an isolation tank so that my nerves aren't constantly overstimulated.

She spoke to something in me. She describes the pervasiveness of the sex industry as a reaction to "volcanic loneliness," that is to say, loneliness on the verge of exploding. But she also talked about the legal basis for the sex industry in that it is sex as a form of expression and therefore free speech.

It's the connection that it was all about. The host said he never indulges in sex for pay (unlike many of his peers), not for moral reasons, but because what he really wants is the intimate, emotional connection. She comes back to say that many people come to her precisely for an intimate connection they can't get elsewhere. Not a fuck. She describes banging a man in the ass with a strap-on and making him look in the mirror while she called him her bitch.

Most would look on that as a psychological disorder (and it probably is in one sense or another), but there is no doubt that it is a transformative experience... no matter which side of the strap-on you're on... and therefore artistic. In a moment of uncontrolled passion, they have switched the gender roles beyond role-reversal and into the extremes of sexual depravity... but reversed. That does something to your brain. That is an experience that is so extreme that you can't go back. You just have to tunnel through it and see what it makes of you.

I've come to realize that a large part of what I'm look for in love is an intellectual challenge. I am always looking for a woman who can keep up with me conversationally. But more than that, I'm looking for a woman who challenges the things I take for granted or the things about me which are "normal" simply because it is easier to be normal. This has given me a great appreciation for particularly sexual and perverse girls... women who wear their persona like a Halloween costume... women who feel a need to challenge preconceptions and like to splash around in still waters.

But when describing what you love, you are always going to leave out more than you can say and there is more to it that you don't even know.

The last time I talked about my "ideal woman" on a blog, they were mostly fictional characters and I've started trying to transition to real people (albeit celebrities, so not that real). I fell for Zoe Saldana from her recent Daily Show interview. I've had a crush on Zooey Deschanel for a long time now. I'm developing something of a crush on Parks and Recreation's Aubrey Plaza...

It's funny how some guys obsess over models. I mean, all of those women have great bodies, but I develop crushes on personalities. I didn't fall for Zoe Saldana because she was the Na'vi chick or Uhura (though, HOT)... it was the grace and character that she demonstrated in her interview which won me over.

Still, celebrities are larger than life... in a way, sexually expressive women are also larger than life. After all, how can a guy distinguish himself before a girl that all men want to fuck the moment they see her?

The older I get, the more mythic women seem to be. There are a lot of girls around... some of them are even cute and interested in me, but it just isn't enough.